Injured teen: Really hurt but A-okay now.

Beckley, WV — An amateur cage fighter is in police custody after assaulting a teenager who tried to steal his belongings while he was attempting to commit suicide.

Brandon Ross, 26, has been arrested by Beckley police following assault and battery charges filed by Dylan Frye, 17. Frye suffered a broken rib and several cuts and bruises after Ross attacked him.

“He, like, tackled me to the ground, put me in a headlock, and did all kinds of crazy UFC shit on me. It really hurt,” said the Kanawha County teen.

The incident occurred over the weekend at Lake Stephens where both men were camping out at separate locations. The former said he went camping to mend from a failed relationship, while the latter was there on a school excursion.

According to the official police report, things were proceeding smoothly for Ross until he heard James Blunt’s “You’re Beautiful” on his iPod while hiking. At that point, he became suicidal and decided he was going to end his life by jumping into the frigid waters of the lake.

The Ghent resident found a secluded elevated area overlooking the lake and proceeded to strip away all his personal belongings and lay them all out on the ground, just like in the James Blunt video. As he was about to jump into the icy waters below, Ross said he saw Frye sneaking up and grabbing his iPod and iPhone.

“I just went ballistic when I saw him do that. Like, dude, I’m about to kill myself here and you’re jacking my shit? Not cool,” Ross said in a police interview.

Frye doesn’t understand why Ross got so violent.

“It’s not like he could take those things with him after he dies,” the teen said.

Ross is being held at Beckley Correctional Center on $100,000 bond. He is also presently on a suicide watch.

Winsome-Cox and friend: Busting out for Barack

Hillary Rodham Clinton’s presidential aspirations took another blow today after the Coastal Association of Cheerleaders in America (CACA) withdrew their support for the former First Lady and declared Barack Obama as “wicked cool.”

In an official statement released to the press, CACA leader Denise Winsome-Cox said they strongly feel Obama will make a good president even though he does not have a lot of political experience.

“Having a goodlooking black president would be wicked cool, so get over the whole lack of experience thing already,” said Winsome-Cox.

“We want a president that looks good in photo-ops, and you know what they say… black don’t crack.”

The leggy beauty and Florida State University sophomore student said her group decided to drop their support for Clinton because “she’s not aging very well.”

“She’s like totally pruning up and stuff,” said Winsome-Cox. “We want a president that looks good in photo-ops, and you know what they say… black don’t crack.”

The cheerleaders’ declaration of support comes in the wake of a disastrous week that saw the senator from Illinois put out “political fires” resulting from controversial comments made by Rev. Jeremiah Wright, a former pastor of Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago, where Obama worships.

Wright came under heavy fire after some of his old sermons turned up on the Internet and became a YouTube phenomenon.

In one, the minister said America had brought the September 11 attacks upon itself. In another, he said Clinton had an advantage over Obama because she is white.

When asked for comment on the issue, Winsome-Cox giggled and said “like, I totally don’t know what you’re talking about, but… go Barack! Woo!”

Waddington: No Chad Kroeger for her

Winthrop, MA — One year ago, Sally Waddington had no idea who My Chemical Romance, Dashboard Confessional, and Fall Out Boy were and what kind of music they played. Now, the 52-year-old mother of three is well-versed on nearly every post-Green Day pop/punk band in existence. She even knows Gerard Way’s current hair color, how many tattoos Chris Carrabba has, and who Pete Wentz is dating.

“My kids freaked out when I started humming ‘Famous Last Words’ one morning while making pancakes,” says the full-time soccer mom. “They were like, ‘Get out of here! How do you know that song?’ It was pretty amusing.”

“It’s like, totally embarassing. Why can’t she just listen to, like, Nickelback or something?”

According to Waddington, her musical renaissance started after she created a MySpace account under an assumed identity “just to see what the fuss was all about.”

“Before you know it, I’m logging in nearly every hour,” says Waddington. “Now I have over four hundred friends.”

Waddington says she spends many hours on the networking site looking through other people’s pages to see what music they’re listening to.

“That’s the main draw for me. I’ve always been a music lover, but that took a backseat after I popped three kids out,” she says. “MySpace gives me a chance to reconnect with that side of me.”

Waddington admits she regularly visits several pages belonging to “a bunch of cool kids” she doesn’t know. “There’s a kid in Iowa that I check out everyday. He’s into a lot of good stuff. He recently got me into Hefner. There’s so much great stuff out there. It’s exhilarating,” she adds.

Her children aren’t so thrilled.

“It’s like, totally embarassing. Why can’t she just listen to, like, Nickelback or something?” says daughter Christina, 15. “You know, like all the regular moms do.”

Drake, 14, agrees, saying that parents aren’t supposed to like what their kids are listening to. “Punk music is all about rebellion. It’s kinda hard to feel that when your mom knows the lyrics to every AFI song.”

Waddington brushes off the protestations.

“Just because I’m in my 50’s doesn’t mean I should only listen to Celion Dion and Josh Groban,” she says. “I refuse to be pigeonholed like that.”

Danny Noriega: Are we a teapot?

Is it possible for one to be too gay for American Idol?

That is the question being asked by supporters of Danny Noriega, the 18-year-old from Azusa, California, who was denied a berth in the Top 12 of the top-rated singing competition’s seventh season.

Noriega, who has been described appropriately by judge Paula Abdul as this season’s “spicy bright light,” was cut from the competition Thursday, along with Luke Menard, Asia’h Epperson and Kady Malloy.

“I’m still reeling from disbelief,” says Rainer Maloney, president of the Young Gays of America. “He was such a shining inspiration for us all. He proved that you can be gay and be a real contender on American Idol.”

“Until we have a completely homosexual world, there will always be sad stories like Danny Noriega’s.”

Unfortunately, being gay may have hindered Noriega from advancing further in the competition, according to self-described media pundit Meagan Michigan.

“It was refreshing to see someone with such unmitigated effrontery like Danny in the competition,” says Michigan. “But let’s face it, teenaged girls and young adult women comprise a majority of the show’s voting audience. They typically have no problems being friends with a gay man, but in the end, they will go and vote for someone like David Archuleta or Michael Johns. You know, someone that they can dream and fantasize about.”

Noriega’s “in-your-face gayness,” Michigan adds, may have been too real for America in general.

“Such an outlandish display of homosexuality may have been tolerated on TV shows like Will & Grace, but not on a show like American Idol,” she says. “When it’s just ‘acting’, most people have no problems with it, but when someone is being true to themselves, people get uncomfortable. It’s the sad reality.”

Rosanna Flamer-Caldera, co-secretary general of the International Lesbian & Gay Association, agrees.

“Until we have a completely homosexual world, there will always be sad stories like Danny Noriega’s,” says Flamer-Caldera in a press release following Noriega’s elimination. “Which is why we are increasing our efforts to turn everyone in the world gay. This is the only way to put an end to this unfair and unjust discrimination.”

Some of Noriega’s fans were a little more realistic and weren’t surprised by the outcome.

“It was fun to see him perform, zany antics and all,” says Geno Lupinacci, a Portland, Oregon drag queen who goes by the stage name Esther Glide. “But it just wasn’t in the cards. He’s too fabulous for the show.”

Still, despite the setback, Lupinacci sees a bright future for Noriega.

“He was born to be on stage,” says Lupinacci. “Danny, honey, if you’re ever in the Portland area, hit me up. I can show you some real nice tricks, boo.”

When asked how he felt about his elimination, Noriega was surprisingly nonchalant.

“Like, whatever. I’m so over it,” says the teen, who is now focusing on furthering his career by accumulating as many friends as possible on MySpace.

Sanchez: Happier place

Miami, FL — A homosexual construction worker is re-examining his approach to friendship with straight men after “getting his heart broke” by a man he thought was interested in him but was actually just using him to get close to a female friend of his.

Colin Sanchez, 25, says he felt like a naive fool for getting ensnared in a sneaky ploy worthy of countless straight-to-video movies about gay men falling for the unattainable.

According to Sanchez, it all started when his co-worker, Diego (not his real name), began spending lunch breaks with him. They bonded instantly and started hanging out outside of work shortly thereafter.

“I wasn’t even thinking of him as a potential lover. He’s not someone I would normally go for,” says Sanchez. “But as we spent more time with each other, I found myself falling for him. I started to think about the possibility of the two of us as a couple, short of picking a place in the Keys for us to move to.”

But everything changed, he says, when he asked his best friend Lori to join them for drinks one night.

“I was drunk on blush, slouched on the couch, and had orange lips when I saw Britney being taken out of her house on a stretcher on Entertainment Tonight,” he says. “That really struck a chord.”

“Diego kept asking about her, what she’s like and what not, so I finally brought her out with me,” says Sanchez. “I thought it was sweet of him to be so curious about my friends.”

Sanchez says the two got along very well. A little too well, in fact, as he would discover later, when Diego started acting very distant and stopped returning his calls. The lunch breaks together also ground to a halt.

“The next thing I know is that they got hitched in Vegas and there’s a bun in the oven,” says Sanchez. “It was like somebody hit me in the head with a jackhammer.”

The whole experience sent him on a downward spiral of substance abuse, binge consumption of Cheetos and Tic Tacs, and repeated listens to Cher’s “Believe” CD, but Sanchez says he got himself together thanks to the relentless tabloid coverage of Britney Spears’ ongoing meltdown.

“I was drunk on blush, slouched on the couch, and had orange lips when I saw Britney being taken out of her house on a stretcher on Entertainment Tonight,” he says. “That really struck a chord.”

Sanchez says that thanks to a really good therapist and “sweet, sweet Paxil,” he is in a happier place now and wishes his friends nothing but the best.

“I hold no grudge. Life’s too short for that,” he says. “My only regret is not ever getting him drunk enough to put out. Now I’ll never know what’s in them pants.”

David Archuleta: Andrea in a previous life

LAURENS, S.C. — Joanna Faulkem is overwhelmed with a bevy of emotions everytime she sees American Idol Season 7 contestant David Archuleta performing on the hit reality talent show. She knows why the barely legal singer is bringing so much maturity and seasoned confidence to every performance.

The 38-year-old divorced schoolteacher is convinced the 17-year-old audience darling and contest frontrunner has lived several past lives and is her “long-lost soulmate.”

“The first time I laid my eyes upon his face, I felt it, this immediate, instant, inexplicable connection,” said Faulkem. “Whenever he looks straight into the camera, it’s like he’s looking straight into my very soul.”

Faulkem, who is a substitute art teacher at Bell Street Middle School in Clinton, is a firm believer in past lives, and occasionally practices Wicca, a nature-based religion popularized in 1954 by Gerald Gardner, a retired British civil servant. She said past life regression allowed her to identify her previous lives, three of which she claims intersected with David’s past lives.

“Three times is no coincidence,” she says. “We were meant to be together, always.”

According to Faulkem, she and Archuleta last crossed paths back in 1614, during the golden age of the Renaissance. Back then, she was a moody, bipolar Italian painter named Filippo Gallo, while Archuleta was Andrea Marangoni, the beautiful daughter of a rich, albeit shady, Venetian businessman. They had planned to sail away together to the New World, but severe stomach cramps caused her to miss their ship. Marangoni ended up sailing alone. They had never seen each other again.

“With all my heart, I want to thank Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson for letting me find my soulmate again,” Faulkem says. “This time, I won’t let food poisoning get in the way of destiny.”

Efforts to get in touch with Archuleta are underway, the schoolteacher said.

“I don’t expect him to believe me right away,” she says. “But I am fully confident that if I were given fifteen minutes with him alone in a room, I would get my point across.”

When reached for comment, Archuleta’s mother branded Faulkem a “crazy” and told her to “stay the hell away from my son.”

As of press time, Archuleta is on track to being crowned as this year’s American Idol.

David Beckham: Deal-clinching dirty undies

Los Angeles, CA — Tuna Apocrypha LLC, the company that publishes world-renowned news portal bent*spud™, has accepted a hostile takeover offer from online poker site GoldenPalace.com.

Under the terms of the historic deal, reportedly negotiated over a series of cellphone text messages, the owners of Tuna Apocrypha will each get a 30-day Jenny Craig membership (cost of food extra), a copy of the debut album by American Idol Season 6 runner-up Blake Lewis, and a 7-day free pass to Steve Hooper’s adult website, www.stevehooper4u.com.

A spokesperson for Tuna Apocrypha, Dwayne Panache, said the offer was initially rejected by reclusive principal owner and president Thornton Mulchwegger.

“He felt it was an insult to be offered so little,” says Panache.

Mulchwegger changed his mind after being promised a couple of soccer superstar David Beckham’s unwashed jock straps.

“I’ve always known I’d have a use for those filthy things someday,” says GoldenPalace.com board member Mark Correll, who refuses to disclose how the deal-clinching undies got into his slick hands.

Correll said DNA tests conducted on epithelials and pubic hair left on the jock straps confirm that the overpaid soccer star is indeed the owner. “The undies come with a framed certificate of authenticity, so Mr. Mulchwegger can rest assured he is getting what he’s bargained for.”

GoldenPalace.com has no immediate long-term plans for its latest acquisition.

“We are just elated to have Tuna Apocrypha and bent*spud™ under our umbrella,” says Correll. “There will be no drastic changes. We believe in giving our acquirees full autonomy, so everyone can expect the same level of excellence that they have come to expect from bent*spud™.”

“The only thing that’s going to change is that Mr. Mulchwegger will have more time for his gentlemanly pursuits,” says Correll.

Panache said Mulchwegger, who is presently in Switzerland, could not be more pleased by the deal and is “thrilled to be the possessor of the undergarments of one of the greatest athletes of our time.”

David Beckham could not be reached directly for comment. His wife Victoria, however, has sent an incendiary email to GoldenPalace.com blasting them for the deal.

“Bloody hell! This is may-jah! A may-jah infringement of our privacy!,” said the message from Mrs. Beckham, also known as Posh Spice. “You can bloody well expect a call from my bloody lawyer. Like, this is may-jah!”

Correll has simply rolled his eyes at the outburst.

“Oh that Posh, always excitable.” he says. “I’ll just send her a box of shiny things to shut her the hell up.”

My child is a poop monster!

Spotsylvania, VA — On the outside, Sophie looks just like any normal healthy baby: chubby cheeks, big doe eyes and plump doll arms. Inside, though, the tiny tot packs a big stinking secret: she is one mean poop-making machine.

“I was flabbergasted after seeing her first bowel movement,” says her first-time mother Belinda Kelly. “It was like 10 double quarter pounders with cheese. It’s unreal, the amount of poop she generates.”

Belinda and her husband Harry thought they had prepared themselves adequately for the challenges and rigors of first-time parenthood by reading self-help books and attending various support group meetings, but “this has totally caught us off-guard.”

“One time at a dinner party, her diaper broke open because there was just too much poop,” says Harry. “My wife and I were so embarassed that we had to leave.”

Worried that there might be something wrong with their daughter, the couple had Sophie looked at by three infantile excretory specialists.

“They all found nothing wrong with her,” says Harry. “And I believe them. It’s just my wife who’s worrying too much.”

Belinda said she is getting used to her daughter’s fulsome feces, which she insists she inherited from her father, but admits she gets worked up about it every now and then.

“I just can’t believe how something so little could make so much crap,” says Belinda. “I certainly hope this doesn’t hinder her chances at making her high school cheerleading squad.”

Jackson: Bow down to my boob

Pop superstar Janet Jackson is said to be planning an exclusive party where she intends to expose her left breast to celebrate the upcoming release of her new album, Discipline.

The album, scheduled to hit record stores on February 26, 2008, is the follow-up to Jackson’s 2006 critical and commercial disappointment, 20 Y.O.

Sources close to Jackson said the “Nasty” singer is determined to reverse the career downturn she has been struggling with since her controversial 2004 Super Bowl halftime show performance during which her right breast was exposed. The ensuing nationwide outrage resulted in a record $550,000 fine levied by the Federal Communications Commission to CBS, the television network that aired the show.

Jackson’s personal friend and choreographer, Gil Duldulao, reportedly convinced the singer to seek out the counsel of Chinese feng shui expert Tsing-hua Chang, who specializes in career rehabilitation and upkeep.

Chang would not confirm or deny the report, but said that Ms. Jackson is in a “very precarious position” at this stage in her career, and that the only thing that could save it from certain death is the restoration of her astrological balance.

“When she exposed her right boob at SuperBowl 38, she set a negative wheel in motion. That wheel needs to be countered, and exposing the other boob would be just the right ticket,” Chang explained.

As of press time, Jackson could not be reached for comment on how she plans to reveal her left breast. However, fan speculation on the Internet points strongly to a “groundbreaking” duet with Alicia Keys during which Jackson will “accidentally” get her Dolce & Gabbana gown tangled with the “If I Ain’t Got You” singer’s weave, which will then trigger the costume reveal.

“I’m really excited about it,” said Endicott Monrose, president of the Janet Jackson Rhythm Nation Portland Chapter. “I just hope I could score tickets to the shindig. I wouldn’t miss it for my dad’s sex-change operation.”

Bhumibol: I wanna hit that high

BANGKOK, Thailand — King Bhumibol Adulyadej has caused yet another fashion craze amongst his loyal subjects after being seen walking out of a health spa wearing a slightly oversized “Choose Life” t-shirt.

T-shirt makers all over Thailand are said to be in a mad, frantic scramble to meet the insane demand for the t-shirt made famous by George Michael in his band Wham!’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” video.

“It’s just plain crazy in here, especially with Christmas coming,” said Bulsin Abutitlos, shift supervisor for Chiangmai, one of Thailand’s largest clothing manufacturers. “Everyone just wants to be cool like King Bhumibol.”

Sources close to the world’s longest-reigning monarch say Bhumibol, who celebrated his 80th birthday Wednesday, wore the t-shirt as an affirmation of his will to “live another 80 years.”

“He is a big fan of 80s pop and heard Wham! on the radio while he was getting his bi-weekly facial,” said royal attendant Jekbim Betulabonkorn. “He said he wanted the ‘Choose Life’ shirt to wear on the way home so we made a couple of phone calls, and within an hour, the shirt was waiting for him in the shower room.”

Bhumidol has become an unlikely fashion trendsetter in Thailand. In October, he ignited a nationwide obsession with pink after he was photographed leaving hospital wearing a shirt and blazer in that color.

Civil servant Rose Tarin, 56, who camped outside a clothing store from 4 in the morning to ensure she was able to buy one of the latest shipments of pink shirts, said she will definitely get the Choose Life shirt as well.

“I want the king to live a long and healthy life,” said Tarin. “This is all for him.”