Danny Noriega: Are we a teapot?

Is it possible for one to be too gay for American Idol?

That is the question being asked by supporters of Danny Noriega, the 18-year-old from Azusa, California, who was denied a berth in the Top 12 of the top-rated singing competition’s seventh season.

Noriega, who has been described appropriately by judge Paula Abdul as this season’s “spicy bright light,” was cut from the competition Thursday, along with Luke Menard, Asia’h Epperson and Kady Malloy.

“I’m still reeling from disbelief,” says Rainer Maloney, president of the Young Gays of America. “He was such a shining inspiration for us all. He proved that you can be gay and be a real contender on American Idol.”

“Until we have a completely homosexual world, there will always be sad stories like Danny Noriega’s.”

Unfortunately, being gay may have hindered Noriega from advancing further in the competition, according to self-described media pundit Meagan Michigan.

“It was refreshing to see someone with such unmitigated effrontery like Danny in the competition,” says Michigan. “But let’s face it, teenaged girls and young adult women comprise a majority of the show’s voting audience. They typically have no problems being friends with a gay man, but in the end, they will go and vote for someone like David Archuleta or Michael Johns. You know, someone that they can dream and fantasize about.”

Noriega’s “in-your-face gayness,” Michigan adds, may have been too real for America in general.

“Such an outlandish display of homosexuality may have been tolerated on TV shows like Will & Grace, but not on a show like American Idol,” she says. “When it’s just ‘acting’, most people have no problems with it, but when someone is being true to themselves, people get uncomfortable. It’s the sad reality.”

Rosanna Flamer-Caldera, co-secretary general of the International Lesbian & Gay Association, agrees.

“Until we have a completely homosexual world, there will always be sad stories like Danny Noriega’s,” says Flamer-Caldera in a press release following Noriega’s elimination. “Which is why we are increasing our efforts to turn everyone in the world gay. This is the only way to put an end to this unfair and unjust discrimination.”

Some of Noriega’s fans were a little more realistic and weren’t surprised by the outcome.

“It was fun to see him perform, zany antics and all,” says Geno Lupinacci, a Portland, Oregon drag queen who goes by the stage name Esther Glide. “But it just wasn’t in the cards. He’s too fabulous for the show.”

Still, despite the setback, Lupinacci sees a bright future for Noriega.

“He was born to be on stage,” says Lupinacci. “Danny, honey, if you’re ever in the Portland area, hit me up. I can show you some real nice tricks, boo.”

When asked how he felt about his elimination, Noriega was surprisingly nonchalant.

“Like, whatever. I’m so over it,” says the teen, who is now focusing on furthering his career by accumulating as many friends as possible on MySpace.

David Archuleta: Andrea in a previous life

LAURENS, S.C. — Joanna Faulkem is overwhelmed with a bevy of emotions everytime she sees American Idol Season 7 contestant David Archuleta performing on the hit reality talent show. She knows why the barely legal singer is bringing so much maturity and seasoned confidence to every performance.

The 38-year-old divorced schoolteacher is convinced the 17-year-old audience darling and contest frontrunner has lived several past lives and is her “long-lost soulmate.”

“The first time I laid my eyes upon his face, I felt it, this immediate, instant, inexplicable connection,” said Faulkem. “Whenever he looks straight into the camera, it’s like he’s looking straight into my very soul.”

Faulkem, who is a substitute art teacher at Bell Street Middle School in Clinton, is a firm believer in past lives, and occasionally practices Wicca, a nature-based religion popularized in 1954 by Gerald Gardner, a retired British civil servant. She said past life regression allowed her to identify her previous lives, three of which she claims intersected with David’s past lives.

“Three times is no coincidence,” she says. “We were meant to be together, always.”

According to Faulkem, she and Archuleta last crossed paths back in 1614, during the golden age of the Renaissance. Back then, she was a moody, bipolar Italian painter named Filippo Gallo, while Archuleta was Andrea Marangoni, the beautiful daughter of a rich, albeit shady, Venetian businessman. They had planned to sail away together to the New World, but severe stomach cramps caused her to miss their ship. Marangoni ended up sailing alone. They had never seen each other again.

“With all my heart, I want to thank Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson for letting me find my soulmate again,” Faulkem says. “This time, I won’t let food poisoning get in the way of destiny.”

Efforts to get in touch with Archuleta are underway, the schoolteacher said.

“I don’t expect him to believe me right away,” she says. “But I am fully confident that if I were given fifteen minutes with him alone in a room, I would get my point across.”

When reached for comment, Archuleta’s mother branded Faulkem a “crazy” and told her to “stay the hell away from my son.”

As of press time, Archuleta is on track to being crowned as this year’s American Idol.

Jackson: Bow down to my boob

Pop superstar Janet Jackson is said to be planning an exclusive party where she intends to expose her left breast to celebrate the upcoming release of her new album, Discipline.

The album, scheduled to hit record stores on February 26, 2008, is the follow-up to Jackson’s 2006 critical and commercial disappointment, 20 Y.O.

Sources close to Jackson said the “Nasty” singer is determined to reverse the career downturn she has been struggling with since her controversial 2004 Super Bowl halftime show performance during which her right breast was exposed. The ensuing nationwide outrage resulted in a record $550,000 fine levied by the Federal Communications Commission to CBS, the television network that aired the show.

Jackson’s personal friend and choreographer, Gil Duldulao, reportedly convinced the singer to seek out the counsel of Chinese feng shui expert Tsing-hua Chang, who specializes in career rehabilitation and upkeep.

Chang would not confirm or deny the report, but said that Ms. Jackson is in a “very precarious position” at this stage in her career, and that the only thing that could save it from certain death is the restoration of her astrological balance.

“When she exposed her right boob at SuperBowl 38, she set a negative wheel in motion. That wheel needs to be countered, and exposing the other boob would be just the right ticket,” Chang explained.

As of press time, Jackson could not be reached for comment on how she plans to reveal her left breast. However, fan speculation on the Internet points strongly to a “groundbreaking” duet with Alicia Keys during which Jackson will “accidentally” get her Dolce & Gabbana gown tangled with the “If I Ain’t Got You” singer’s weave, which will then trigger the costume reveal.

“I’m really excited about it,” said Endicott Monrose, president of the Janet Jackson Rhythm Nation Portland Chapter. “I just hope I could score tickets to the shindig. I wouldn’t miss it for my dad’s sex-change operation.”

Clarkson (with McEntire): She’s country, y’all

Just days after announcing a joint tour with Reba McEntire in early 2008, Kelly Clarkson has revealed that she will also hit the road next summer on a “one of a kind” co-headlining tour with popular “redneck” comedian Larry The Cable Guy.

The trek, tentatively called “From Larry To Kelly,” will be primarily sponsored by the International House Of Pancakes (IHOP) restaurant chain.

“We are extremely excited,” said Wayne Mackey, a senior media relations officer for IHOP. “We will pull out all the stops to ensure it is a success.”

For starters, Mackey said they plan to include a copy of Clarkson’s “My December” CD for free with every Signature Breakfast meal. The CD, the singer’s follow-up to the multiplatinum smash “Breakaway,” has seen lackluster sales and received tepid reaction from fans and critics alike. Mackey is optimistic that IHOP can reinvigorate the flopped CD. “A lot of our patrons really liked ‘Breakaway.’ They just need to be spoon-fed with this new one,” he said.

“Kelly is from Texas, y’all,” said one of the singer’s close friends, “If there’s any American Idol winner that oughta be milking that country cow, it’s her.”

Clarkson has lately shifted her focus to country music after the dismal performance of the pop-rock-infused “My December.” In addition to the aforementioned tours, there are also plans for Clarkson to record an album of Johnny Cash cover songs, including a “duet” with the Man himself on the classic “Ring Of Fire.”

Narvel Blackstock, owner of Starstruck Entertainment, the company presently managing Clarkson’s career, said the duet will employ similar technology that allowed Natalie Cole to perform duets with her dead father, Nat King Cole, “except that it will be about ten times better.”

Clarkson is reportedly determined “not to be outshined” by fellow AI alumnus Carrie Underwood, whose new album “Carnival Ride” recently topped the charts while her multi-platinum debut, “Some Hearts,” is still selling briskly two years after its release.

“Kelly is from Texas, y’all,” said one of the singer’s close friends, “If there’s any American Idol winner that oughta be milking that country cow, it’s her.”

Clarkson has laughed off the jealousy allegations, saying that she’s always been country all along, and that the pop-rock direction she took on her first three albums wasn’t her idea.

“Clive Davis made me sing pop-rock songs, and I hated it,” said the singer. “All I really wanted was to be a country singer. But Clive wouldn’t let me do it. Well, now I can, and I will.”

“My December,” released in the United States in June of this year, has yet to crack 1 million in sales. The album’s first single, “Never Again,” was swept to a No. 8 peak on the Billboard Hot 100 singles chart on the strength of digital downloads. The second single, “Sober,” stalled at No. 110.

Angelou: Get this poem outta muh face.

Sayreville, NEW JERSEY — A 14-year-old male teenager and aspiring poet accused Maya Angelou of being an “elitist” after the Pulitzer-nominated author and contemporary American literature icon rejected his poetry submission.

The poem, titled “Fat Skater Boy,” was submitted by Adam Kowalski for consideration in a poetry collection to be curated by Angelou and slated for publication in the Summer of 2008.

Kowalski said it took Angelou “a long-ass time” to respond to his submission, and that the response wasn’t very pleasant.

“She’s an elitist. She threw shade at me because I’m not like one of her old-ass poet pals.”

“I, like, sent her my poem in, like, August, and she only responded to me on Friday. Like, I know she’s old and everything, but doesn’t she have people to help her answer her e-mail?” said the disgruntled teen. “And, like, she totally ripped my poem apart, saying it wasn’t appropriate and stuff. She’s an elitist. She threw shade at me because I’m not like one of her old-ass poet pals.”

The teen said he was inspired to write poetry after receiving Angelou’s “Poetry For Young People” compilation as a birthday gift from his parish priest, Father Kieran Fletcher. Fletcher said Kowalski was so moved by Angelou’s deep and penetrating words. They had often read Angelou’s poems together during numerous parish sleepovers. The teen decided one night that he wanted to be a poet himself and asked Fletcher to coach him.

“I told Adam to write from where his passion lies,” said Father Fletcher. “I was hoping it would be the Eucharist, but obese skater boys is a good start.”

Fletcher said Kowalski was ecstatic when he found out about the planned poetry collection and sought his assistance in finding out Angelou’s e-mail address so that he could submit his poem directly.

“I pulled some strings at the Vatican, yes,” said Fletcher. “I would do anything for a good altar boy.”

Kowalski said he plans to submit his rejected poem to Fall Out Boy, hoping that they will turn it into their next hit single. The teen is confident “they would totally get it.”

Angelou could not be reached for comment, but a representative for the respected poet has stated that “Maya treats everyone with respect and dignity, and does not disparage other people’s creativity.”

Spears: Robbed

New Orleans, LOUISIANA — A die-hard Britney Spears fan has placed voodoo curses on Don Henley and the Eagles after the group blocked the troubled pop singer from scoring a No. 1 debut on the Billboard 200 album chart this week.

Sources say 54-year-old Mwema Nokia, who originally hails from Baton Rouge, travelled 100 miles to New Orleans to seek out and procure the services of popular voodoo practitioner Lady Smite.

Nokia reportedly asked Smite to cast a “career death” curse on the Eagles, as well as the insidious “scrotum scratcher” spell on vocalist Henley.

“She was really quite upset that Britney didn’t debut at No. 1. It really mattered to her.”

The veteran 70’s rock band made headlines earlier this week after their first studio album in nearly 30 years, “Long Road Out Of Eden,” which is only exclusively available in the U.S. through Wal-Mart, was made eligible to chart on the Billboard 200 in a controversial eleventh hour move seen by many Spears fans as contrived to intentionally “hurt” their idol.

This marks the first time that Billboard magazine has allowed exclusive album titles that are only available through one retailer to appear on the much-vaunted Billboard 200 Album chart. Previously, titles that were not generally available at retail were not eligible to appear on The Billboard 200, but were entitled to chart on Billboard’s Top Comprehensive Albums, which includes catalog titles and proprietary albums from retailers willing to report those sales.

The Eagles stomped all over Spears by selling 711,000 copies of their CD versus the paltry 290,000 that the former Mouseketeer registered for her latest, simply titled “Blackout.” All of Spears’ previous studio efforts have debuted on top.

Smite said Nokia was very disturbed by the unforeseen turn of events. She had apparently already planned to throw a party this weekend to celebrate Britney’s success.

“She was really quite upset that Britney didn’t debut at No. 1. It really mattered to her,” says Lady Smite. “She was certain that there was conspiracy involved. And that drove her to come to me.”

When asked how she felt about placing potentially damaging spells on the Eagles and Don Henley, Smite replied, “Oh, this has nothing to do with me. I ain’t got nothing against the Eagles. Hell, I love ‘Desperado.’ This is between Mwema and the Maker. In the end, she will have to answer for this.”

A representative for Don Henley, Mark Lee, downplayed the curses, saying that “those things only work if you believe in them, and Don Henley believes in no one but himself, so he’s pretty much immune to them.”

Mimi reaches for a strudel

Mariah Carey has been named the “Super-Ultra-Mega-Platinum No. 1 Artist Of All Eternity” by the Baja Inter-coastal Laundry League Board Of Artistic Recreational Development.

The group, which represents over 20,000 franchised laundromats in and around the West Coast of the United States, announced their pick at their annual convention held in San Diego, California.

“There is no other artist more deserving of this honor than Mariah,” said Cristobal Martinez, the group’s chairman. “She has touched us all with her voice and artistry in every cycle, 24-7. She is the Queen.”

Martinez said that Carey’s “We Belong Together” has been in heavy rotation at every laundromat they own, and has topped their Hot 100 Spin Cycle hit singles chart for a record-breaking 47 weeks. Celine Dion used to hold the record with “My Heart Will Go On,” which went on and on for 37 weeks at the top in 1998/99.

The distinction comes in the wake of a disappointing performance by the five-octave singer at the 48th Grammy Awards last night. Carey went in with a leading 8 nominations, but walked away with only three, none of which were for major categories. All three awards were handed out before the telecast, which denied the singer the opportunity to climb the stage and make an emotional speech about her triumphant comeback.

“We’d be lying if we said Mariah is not a little disappointed she didn’t get to cry on national television like Kelly Clarkson did. It was supposed to be her night. She had a lovely speech prepared. She was going to go all out with the drama and sticking it to the haters. But, she made it through many rains, and she can make it through this drizzle,” the pop singer’s publicist said in a statement.

The publicist added that “Mariah is very proud to accept the ‘Super-Ultra-Mega-Platinum No. 1 Artist Of All Eternity’ award, no doubt another feather to her hat, and wishes to thank all the laundromat owners for their neverending support and love.”

The Grammy-winning soporific chanteuse was chosen by SuperBowl organizers in response to increased pressure from influential conservative backers to clean up the top-rated U.S. television event of the year. The Rolling Stones’ appearance at this year’s show, though successfully censored and emasculated by broadcasters, was still considered way too risque.

“We don’t have exact numbers, but a lot of people were offended by the exposure of Mick Jagger’s pruny geriatric stomach,” NFL spokesperson Brian McCarthy said. “We simply cannot take anymore chances like that.”

SuperBowl organizers hope that Jones’ appearance will be heralded as the turning point for decency and proper behaviour in primetime television.

A source close to Ms. Jones says the singer is “ecstatic about the chance to play SuperBowl, and is already looking forward to the event.”

“It will give her a tremendous opportunity to reach out to a whole new audience and touch them,” the unnamed source said.

Only Jones is the confirmed act so far, but there is talk that Air Supply, Mariah Carey, Clay Aiken, Carrie Underwood, and Hilary Duff are also being considered as potential performers for the event.

“We’re also trying to get Christopher Cross to come out of retirement and rejuvenate the crowd with his exciting stage presence next year. Fingers crossed,” said McCarthy.

“When I first saw it, I was flabbergasted. My immediate reaction was to call up Britney’s record company to offer my designing services for free. I mean, everyone knows that gray and lace don’t go together,” says Lulu Point-du-Lac, the group’s founder and incumbent president.

Point-du-Lac says that the cover artwork is “not only absolutely devoid of any aesthetic and artistic aspiration whatsoever, it is also degrading and an insult to women everywhere.”

“Do we really need to see another over-spritzed and over-airbrushed photograph of Miss Spears nearly naked? The whole thing is simply tasteless. You don’t have to do that to sell your CD,” adds the group’s vice president, Laura Henriksen.

Henriksen cites the late Cass Elliot’s album cover for Dream A Little Dream: The Cass Elliot Collection as an example.

“Here we have a woman at peace with herself, her body, her femininity,” continues Henriksen. “It says, ‘I’m fat and I like eating grapes and laying on the couch all day, and that’s fine.’ The image conveys power and helplessness at the same time. It’s truly a work of art that Britney should learn from.”

Another arts-oriented organization, Miami’s Fine Arts Group (FAG) has contradicted SNOB’s dismissal of the artwork.

Says Sebastian Lefeib, FAG’s spokesperson: “We totally adore the cover of Britney’s new CD! It’s like she’s saying: ‘I’m here, I’m trailer park trash, deal with it.’ It’s fabulous! Those who say otherwise are probably overweight and ugly. We love, love, love it! Go Britney!”

The new CD arrives in record stores on November 9th.

Although the reports are unsubstantiated, many of Morrison’s fans believe that the fallen rocker, who died of a heart failure while soaking in a bath in 1971, is restless and wants to come back to life.

Devoted fan Jean-Paul Boudoisoinesse, 37, claims the ghost has spoken to him when he saw it while traipsing through the cemetery one night.

“I was just walking, and all of a sudden I turned around and saw him behind me,” said Boudoisoinesse. “He said, ‘Ride the snake’; I was absolutely enchanted.”

Boudoisoinesse leads a group of some 45 devoted Morrison fans who are clamoring for the exhumation of the rock star’s remains to get some bone tissue samples. They want to have Morrison cloned.

“It is what he wants, the only way to fulfill his wish,” said Boudoisoinesse, who is facing stern opposition from French authorities who are dismissing the idea of “bringing a dead heroine addict to life” as downright ridiculous.

bent*spud was extremely fortunate to chance upon Morrison’s ghost during one of its erratic apparitions. The ghost was surprisingly willing to speak with bent*spud and once and for all clarify matters.

JM: The days are bright and filled with pain… Enclose me in your gentle rain… The time you ran was too in-sane…

EGG: Mr. Morrison… Sir… Jim? Yuhoo?

JM: Huh? Oh… Hey there.

EGG: Mr. Morrison, is it really you?

JM: House upon the hill… Moon is lying still…

EGG: Well, I suppose it is you. Mr. Morrison, can I call you Jim? Mr. Morrison sounds too establishmentarian.

JM: Carnival dogs consume the lines… Can’t see your face in my mind…

EGG: Jim, why are you haunting this place? Does your soul need to be broken through to the other side?

JM: I’ve heard that one before.

EGG: Well, it is one of your big hits.

JM: Ah, yes… We chased our pleasures here. Dug our treasures there. Can you still recall the time we cried?

EGG: Jim, is it really true that you want to come back to life? Is it why you’re here?

JM: Yeah, I want to come back. It’s been a while, man… 27 years.

EGG: But how do you propose to do that? Do you plan to be reincarnated?

JM: Reincarnated? Hell no, I wouldn’t want to come back as a Dominican nun or a Chinese market vendor. I want to come back as me, Jim Morrison man! I know you guys can do that now. You know, take some stuff and clone it. I want to be cloned just like Dolly.

EGG: But Jim… That is completely unheard of. It is one thing to clone an animal, a living thing. But you… you’re dead.

JM: Awkward instant… And the first animal is jettisoned. Legs furiously pumping… Their stiff green gallop. And heads bob up…

EGG: So tell me Jim, why do you want to return? Do you want to continue where you left off with your music and poetry?

JM: No. I just want to try some of that crack-cocaine stuff. I hear it’s some heavy shit.

EGG: You’re not interested in resuscitating your career?

JM: The blue bus… is calling us… Driver, where are you taking us?

EGG: Wait, Jim… Don’t go yet.. I still have a few more questions. Jim…

JM: Come on baby, take a chance with us… And meet me at the back of the blue bus.

EGG: Wait! I want to know what you thought of Val Kilmer’s portrayal of yourself in that Oliver Stone movie about your band! Jim!

And Jim Morrison’s ghost quickly vanished into thin air.