David Beckham: Deal-clinching dirty undies

Los Angeles, CA — Tuna Apocrypha LLC, the company that publishes world-renowned news portal bent*spud™, has accepted a hostile takeover offer from online poker site GoldenPalace.com.

Under the terms of the historic deal, reportedly negotiated over a series of cellphone text messages, the owners of Tuna Apocrypha will each get a 30-day Jenny Craig membership (cost of food extra), a copy of the debut album by American Idol Season 6 runner-up Blake Lewis, and a 7-day free pass to Steve Hooper’s adult website, www.stevehooper4u.com.

A spokesperson for Tuna Apocrypha, Dwayne Panache, said the offer was initially rejected by reclusive principal owner and president Thornton Mulchwegger.

“He felt it was an insult to be offered so little,” says Panache.

Mulchwegger changed his mind after being promised a couple of soccer superstar David Beckham’s unwashed jock straps.

“I’ve always known I’d have a use for those filthy things someday,” says GoldenPalace.com board member Mark Correll, who refuses to disclose how the deal-clinching undies got into his slick hands.

Correll said DNA tests conducted on epithelials and pubic hair left on the jock straps confirm that the overpaid soccer star is indeed the owner. “The undies come with a framed certificate of authenticity, so Mr. Mulchwegger can rest assured he is getting what he’s bargained for.”

GoldenPalace.com has no immediate long-term plans for its latest acquisition.

“We are just elated to have Tuna Apocrypha and bent*spud™ under our umbrella,” says Correll. “There will be no drastic changes. We believe in giving our acquirees full autonomy, so everyone can expect the same level of excellence that they have come to expect from bent*spud™.”

“The only thing that’s going to change is that Mr. Mulchwegger will have more time for his gentlemanly pursuits,” says Correll.

Panache said Mulchwegger, who is presently in Switzerland, could not be more pleased by the deal and is “thrilled to be the possessor of the undergarments of one of the greatest athletes of our time.”

David Beckham could not be reached directly for comment. His wife Victoria, however, has sent an incendiary email to GoldenPalace.com blasting them for the deal.

“Bloody hell! This is may-jah! A may-jah infringement of our privacy!,” said the message from Mrs. Beckham, also known as Posh Spice. “You can bloody well expect a call from my bloody lawyer. Like, this is may-jah!”

Correll has simply rolled his eyes at the outburst.

“Oh that Posh, always excitable.” he says. “I’ll just send her a box of shiny things to shut her the hell up.”

Market: mountain king

Paducah, KENTUCKY — Automotive vehicle salesman Desmond Market became the toast of his peers today after making his one hundredth mountain out of a molehill.

Market, 52, achieved the unprecedented milestone by engaging a colleague in a heated e-mail debate over paper clips.

“I didn’t even know they were counting,” said Market. “I went out for some baguettes, and when I came back, they had streamers and balloons all over the place. I was totally caught off-guard.”

Market, who has been with the Paducah Ford dealership for only two years, has impressed his co-workers with his uncanny ability to waste other people’s time making a big deal out of nothing.

“At first, I was really annoyed by it, ” said his supervisor Valerie Caer. “But over time, it became sort of cute and then it didn’t bother me so much.”

Caer said they don’t know exactly how many mountains Market has made out of molehills during his employment at Paducah Ford, but 100 is “about the ballpark figure.” She said they’re looking forward to his next hundred.

“Desmond is the Mountain King, man,” said Market’s co-worker John ‘Big Poppa’ Baldwin. “He’s the only salesman I know who would go out of his way to research and enumerate the benefits of coated paper clips rather than worry about his monthly sales target.”

Market has failed to make his sales quota for three months in a row. His November figures aren’t looking too promising, but the dealership isn’t worried.

“We’ll just chalk it to the bad economy and the war in Iraq like we’ve been doing the past couple of months,” said Caer.

But, being the technological/corporate strumpet that I am, I’ve quickly developed a way to work around my shortcomings and come out of the meeting feeling like I’ve actually contributed something.

Here are seven tips that would help you bullshit your way through a business meeting, eventhough you know Jack Shit about what’s being discussed:

1. Hold your chin a lot and cast a deep glance at the wall in front of you, as if you’re thinking about something really important. Corporate types like thinkers.

2. Dawdle on your notepad every couple of minutes. It not only gives the impression that you are a committed note-taker, but also provides a way to relieve minute amounts of work-related stress. I personally find it very soothing to draw sunflowers and little houses with people in them.

3. Listen to the discussion very closely. You don’t know much about the stuff they’re talking about, so this is in your best interest. Besides, you could interject and throw in whatever little knowledge you do know about the subject matter. However, caution must be exercised. See next tip for more.

4. Do not speak about the subject matter under discussion unless you could provide more than three meaningful sentences related to it.

5. Nod your head frequently, particularly when important points are being made. Every once in a while, verbalize your accordance by saying “That is so true.” or “I absolutely agree with you on that.”

6. Ask a heavy question or two, such as “Is there anything like this system out there right now?” or “When it boils down to it, is this essentially a case of X versus Y?” Whatever it is, make sure that your question could be answered quickly and would not require further discussion.

7. When asked for your opinion, always side with the biggest cheese in the group. They are getting paid the most so their opinions are usually well-respected and -received. Also, this ensures that if things do go wrong, the bigger fish will fry first before you.